Determination

As I practice I look at myself in the mirror. I see in my mind all those things I want my body to do. I can see all those pictures like its a movie in the back of my head. When I hear the beats, when I hear the melodies, they inspire me. Sometimes these images are simple movements, a play on the words, or just a new combination of steps. Other times these motions are moves I don't even have yet. But my mind knows what it wants my body to do. This body of mine does not cooperate. I see myself in the mirror, I focus, and I attempt to mimic those pictures that are in my mind. What I see often isn't even close. Thus begins the frustration.

Though I am human, I must strive for perfection. Those moves in my mind, I want to make them a reality. The look on my face changes. My expression becomes hard, the time for focus is at hand. When I train, I take all those emotions I've been storing and focus them. I become angry with my body, as it is a lump of iron on the anvil in the forge. Its misshapen, ineloquent, but it has potential. The more anger I throw at it, the more the hammer falls to shape the iron. The intensity in my eyes is like the fire heating the forge. I beat the metal until the fire cools, until my arms can no longer lift the hammer.

To have these dreams and determination is both a gift and a curse. Never have I felt more fulfilled, but at the same time, there is an emptiness I constantly have for more training. The things I can do today are never good enough. I constantly feel the need to be better. I'm surrounded by talented dancers, people who have been practicing the arts for several years longer than I. It is easy for me to get impatient, maybe even jealous. I'm not getting any younger and time is not on my side. I want to be the best.

Why do I strive so? What is so important. Some people may feel its just a dance, or some sideshow talent. To me its so much more. It is my release, my chance to be free. Its my struggle, I dream about it. You wouldn't understand unless you've felt it. I feel in life if you aren't struggling for something, you're not getting any better.

To chase our dreams is the ultimate goal. No matter how foolish others see it, no one can take away your dreams. This is the ultimate pursuit, the guiding force behind our lives. When you see me in the studio training. I look angry, determined, and focused. I am all those things. I'm not there to play or have fun, I'm there to get better, to realize my dreams. Though I am a dancer, I am a warrior. I train for battle. I will succeed and I will attain that which it is I struggle for.