Again, from Hagakure...

A certain swordsman in his declining years said the following:

In one's life, there are levels in the pursuit of study. In the lowest level, a person studies, but nothing comes of it, and he feels that both he and others are unskillful. At this point he is worthless. In the middle level he is still useless, but is aware of his own insufficiencies and can also see the insufficiencies of others. In a higher level, he has pride concerning his own ability, rejoices in praise from others, and laments the lack of ability in his fellows. This man has worth. In the highest level a man has the look of knowing nothing.

These are the levels in general. But there is one transcending level, and this is the most excellent of all. This person is aware of the endlessness of entering deeply into a certain Way and never thinks of himself as having finished. He truly knows his own insufficiencies and never in his whole life things that he has succeeded. He has no thoughts of pride but with self-abasement knows the Way to the end. It is said that Master Yagyu once remarked, "I do not know the way to defeat others, but the way to defeat myself."

Throughout your life advance daily, becoming more skillful than yesterday, more skillful than today. This is never-ending.

Often times I like to take some time away from my busy life and thumb through Hagakure. Usually it only takes me one page before I see something insightful and think about it. Today this passage grabbed my attention. The last line is by far my favorite. I cannot speak about what others should do, but I really like to live my life like this line. To continually grow through hard work is a beautiful thing. Its not always easy to see yourself gaining skill. Eventually you do reach a plateau and can see the progress. At these times I think it is good to feel a little pride for your hard work. Not so much that you stop training hard though... Maybe I'm still at the first or second step lol.

From Hakakure...

"It is said that much sake, self-pride, and luxury are to be avoided by a samurai. There is no cause for anxiety when you are unhappy, but when you become a little elated, these three things become dangerous. Look at the human condition. It is unseemly for a person to become prideful and extravagant when things are going well. Therefore, it is better to have some unhappiness while one is still young, for if a person does not experience some bitterness, his disposition will not settle down. A person who becomes fatigued when unhappy is useless.

When I opened the book this morning, this is the first passage I saw. For some reason it really struck home. Things can be easy when life is going well. It may become easy for one to forget their way or to forget to keep progressing. When a person is unhappy or discontent, it may be easier for them to struggle, to push forward to that new plateau. This period of unhappiness in my life need not be such a bad thing. It has given me a lot of time to focus on things. I am training harder than I have in years. I am quite alone, but perhaps that is what I need in my life right now. The rest of the world will come and go, but this struggle must always continue. Even when this period in my life passes, I need to remember these feelings. I cannot let myself become complacent lest I fall back.

2010

Welcome to the future. Not a lot has been going on in my world lately. After something as positive as my Bulgaria trip, nothing since then has seemed quite blog worthy. But its been quite a while so I suppose my avid fans deserve some kind of update on my life.

...

I am doing my best to not make this some cliche new years post, so bear with me. I'm sitting here thinking what has happened recently and all I can think of is how quickly time goes by these days; I must be getting old.

I guess I can get started with what "right" things I have been doing in my life. If you are one of my "avid fans," perhaps you'll remember a couple of posts ago I had this excruciatingly long list of goals that I wanted to work on. Its a rare thing for me, but I think it was helpful. Let me just list all the things on that list I have completed:
- Released my first mix cd which you can download here
- Got started and built a linux machine that will soon be a UA server
- Attended and performed at Jam on It in Bulgaria
- Performed with UA @ 2009 Kicking for kids who can't and raised money for them
- Had my first paid DJ gig

I guess that's not so bad for 6 months. Somehow I still feel pretty unaccomplished. The last 2 months I have been training extra hard. I've lost almost 20lbs. I'm really trying to get power. It is honestly one of the most frustrating trials I've put myself through. I think I'm progressing, but at the pace that I imagine I will have windmills around the same time I become a grandfather...

I feel really musically inspired lately. I've been listening to a lot of really good music. J Rawls and his beats have made me want to create music. I listen to so much dope hip hop that actually says something. Then I go to a club or see a TV and wonder what has happened to this culture. I feel angry that people out there don't know what real hip hop sounds like. I want to start making a few more mixes. I have 3 or four ideas, so don't be surprised if you all get stormed with new Halfstep mixes. I've been listening to a lot of jazz based hip hop lately and its made me want to learn how to play jazz guitar. I just recently ordered a mpd beat pad midi interface for my computer so hopefully I can start writing some of my own beats. I want to be able to sample my own guitar and make something out of it. I think it will take a long ass time though, so please no one hold your breath...

I mentioned my first paid DJ gig earlier. Its pretty crazy. Basically one of the bar tenders at a club I regularly dance and dj at heard me playing some NOFX at the beginning of my set just joking around. Turns out he wanted to start a monthly party that spins something completely different. I went a few times to the party and the DJ ended up moving out of state, so he offered me the spot. The theme of the night is reggae/ska/punk/hip hop. A little bit of everything I guess. I never really listened to any reggae, so I had to spend basically 2 weeks trying to get music, figure out what was good ect ect. I also had to figure out how to mix punk/ska. Believe me its not easy. In my opinion that first night was a hot mess, but the promoter was extremely happy. Russel helped me out a lot and opened for me. I probably would have freaked out if he wasn't there. It was 4 hours of stressful hell. But at the end of the night it felt really good. I did my second one 3 weeks ago and it was a lot better. I think they are going to keep getting better and better. It is really nice to have the opportunity to experiment with different music genres. It was so awesome to go back and listen to all the punk and ska bands I grew up listening to. I even found a few more that I had never heard of. That was what actually inspired me to pick up my guitar again.

I was having a discussion last week about dance and my progression with one of my friends last week. I think I'm probably one of the most stubborn people on the planet... Its really hard for me to learn things as a dancer. Especially in a class setting. I see a lot of people pick things up so quickly, and it can be quite frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to learn english in a spanish class... I was told that I need to focus on my strengths and stop trying so hard to fight my body. I understand what he meant. I do progress slowly. I know what I am good at, but I'm not ready to pigeon hole myself. Every time I see a disabled bboy, they are playing off their strengths, they are doing amazing things and I totally respect that. But I don't want to play off my strengths. I don't want to accept that I have any limitations. I want to do all the same moves as everyone else damnit. And I will. Even if it takes me until I'm a grandpa. But I am grateful to my friend for his input. It did give me a lot of things to think about.

Lately I've been a tad fed up with the rest of the world. I don't really know what it is. Artistically I feel pretty content. There are of course insane frustrations, but those are natural to me in creation. But I'm not so sure how I fit in with the rest of the world these days. At times I really miss back home, where life goes by much more slowly. People stop to talk to each other, to keep up with friends. People have time to hang out and do nothing Here I feel so rushed. Everything is about the business... Everyone is so busy with their lives that there is little room for much else. I kind of decided to just ignore the rest of the world for a while. I can't change how people treat me. Maybe I need to get a girlfriend...who knows. I guess I'll just keep rolling with the punches.

~Harley