The power of dance

So today I was having a really bad day. Just when I was really starting to like work and where I was going, today we found the results of the anual process. I wasn't totally expecting to get promoted this year. I have a lot of tough competition at my level, but still I think I deserve some recognition for the accomplishments I've made. Sometimes I think because I'm not a star developer "yet", I don't get the recognition I deserve. Somehow I got rated an average rating. This means I am in the 50th percentile of people at my level. That is complete garbage, I think I'm in at least the top quarter. I'm not a "star" developer, but my skills as a Config manager and websphere expert have provided the company with a lot of value. I can't count the number of times I've went outside my normal responsibilities to assist other projects with their config/webshpere issues and bailed them out.

My coach/manager, who is also my good friend was trying to make it all sound better and put things into perspective about how to try harder for next year, but I wasn't hearing it. I don't think I'll stick with Accenture is this is how they are going to treat me. I can make a lot more money elsewhere. He told me some of it had to do with my stance on not working crazy hours anymore. I don't think its fair to rate people higher because they are willing to sacrifice their social lives for the company. When you are so burned out from being overworked, you may seem to be working harder, but your productivity is stifled. Accenture needs to realize this. They lose a lot of their most talented people because they don't treat us right. They'd rather promote some ass kissers, or less talented people just because they are willing to work 60+ hours a week.

I was so angry when I first heard this morning. I couldn't focus on my work so much. All I could think about was that I wanted to dance, or at least play some guitar to get rid of the anger. Then just sitting there I started to feel depressed, especially hearing of other people getting promoted. I'm going to be even more angry when they publish the lists of those who were promoted and I see people who don't have half my skill on there. Not to be cocky, there are quite a few people at my level who could beat me hands down, but I'm just being realistic. I may not work crazy hours, but I do work hard, and I do things outside my expected work to add value to the company. Will I continue to do so? I'm seriously having second thoughts. Why should I bust my ass for accenture if they aren't going to take care of me.

Needless to say I kept getting more angry, and when I finally calmed down I started feeling depressed and sorry for myself, which sucked. I came home and just did nothing for an hour or so and was even going to skip practice. I didn't feel like doing anything. I'm really glad I made myself get out and hit the gym though. I've said it before and I'll say it again, dance is my medicine. Once I heard the beats, my feet were moving, my adrenaline started pumping and my mind forgot about all that was bothering me.

I'm reminded of something little jon taught me. The bboy not the rapper... Dance is something spritual. Some people go to church to feel close to God, or they pray, or they do whatever it is people do. For me, when I dance, that is my prayer. When my body and mind gain one focus, and I become one with the music, I feel at peace. Tonight I really felt in that zone. I wasn't thinking, I didn't have to see what I was doing, I didn't have to pay attention to the music. I just got lost in the moment. My feet followed the beat in ways I never though of before, my dance became so abstract and I was hitting all the beats, almost like russ, it was amazing. I felt like I really grew as a dancer in the short hour I practiced. I hope I can practice like that more often, even though I can't use all that in breaking, the amount of style that came out of nowhere, I can pull so much from it and become a better dancer.

I'm so glad God showed me dance. To turn such negative feelings around is pretty amazing. I wish everyone was so lucky to find something they love so much. And although I'm still angry about the way my company is treating me, I can't let it get to me. I'll find a new company, Accenture is the one who is missing out, not me. Maybe its God's way of telling me to move on to better things. I will stick around long enough to see how good my raise is, then I'm going to start sending out my resume again.

Music is so powerful. Thanks to bboy soji for making an awesome mix tape with so much beautiful break music. Thanks to all the bboys and bgirls who have shared their style with me. Thanks to the doctors/professionals who put me back together and make my legs so I can dance. Thanks to all my friends who've supported me during all my good times and bad times. Ok I guess I'm in a weird mood. Time to go to sleep.

Peace
Halfstep