Depression

Ok so no posts in a while right? I haven't been feeling all that up. Lots of things going on. It doesn't seem like I've been in DC almost 2 years already, but I'm getting to that mark. It doesn't feel like home here yet. I haven't really made any "best friends" like I had back home. I don't know what it is. If I'm too shy, if I don't fit in here, or what the deal is. It just seems like everyone is so busy with their own lives, they already have their own friends, and there isn't room for me. Its something I struggle with off and on. Thank God I have dance as an outlet or I would have went nuts by now. But with my major back pain for the past few weeks, and for some reason my muscles don't want to work at all this week. That's not helping any. I think the depression is effecting my body. I need to cheer things up. Something is missing in my life.

I contemplated moving to another city. But would that be solving anything? Would I be in this same situation two years from now in a different city? I've never run away from anything in my life (other than those friggen muggers who tried to jump me), and I'm not going to start now. Making friends has always been hard for me. And with the busy life with dancing and work, I guess this is the time in my life when I've had the least free time. So maybe its understandable that I haven't met so many people. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.

When I was at the battle last week, I got the awesome privilege to go pick up one of the judges the night before. I got to meet Little John from Havikoro crew. I was really impressed by him. And I'm usually not impressed by people I've never met based on the fact they are famous (well at least in the bboy world). But Exit and I got to talk to him on a really long ride from Dulles to Reagan to Dulles to JMU, while getting lost along the way (long story). But he had some really interesting views on the world, and in particular dance.

I've never been a really spiritual person. When I was younger, I rejected God for what happened to me. Later I realized that he saved me and had bigger plans for me. But other than that I'm not spiritual. Little John is really spiritual. Not in the shove it down your throat, "I'm right, you're wrong", but more in a way "This is how I feel through my life's experience." Think about it. What religion doesn't involve dance of some sort? Could it be dance is a sort of prayer? I never thought of it that way. But it makes sense. Some connection. When I do dance, I'm not completely me. I'm in a different place, I feel stronger, I have more focus, more confidence. I never really go to church, and I don't really pray, but could dancing bring me closer to God? I've been thinking maybe that is missing from my life. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel so lonely so often. Empty in a way.

I've always been so stubborn in my life. I never want to accept help from anyone, and I want to do it all by myself. Like in college when I had leg problems and had to be on crutches. I would go through the cafeteria line and carry the tray on my crutches, I had plenty of friends who wanted to help, but I got so angry, I wouldn't let them. Maybe I need to accept the fact that I'm only human. I want to accomplish so much in my life, doing it all alone isn't the best option. I need help from others, support, but most of all I think I need God. I think maybe that's the hardest thing for me is to leave it in someone else's hands. All I can do is try my hardest every day. If girls don't like me, I can't change it. If people don't want to be my friend, I can't change it. If my body won't let me go to the battle of the year, I can't change it. But all these things are important to me. I try at all of them with all my heart. But I need God's help to attain them.

Its really hard for me to say can't. I believe anything is possible. My heart is there, my soul is there, I put forth the effort, and by God's grace I will achieve my goals. But I need to include him in my life. I need to ask for his help, his guidance. That's one thing in my life I need to change. Maybe I will join a church. I never really felt comfortable in church. Maybe its because I was always forced to go, I don't know. But I think I should give it another shot. What's the worst that could happen? I might even make some more friends. Who knows?

The next thing I need to change is where I live. Living alone in DC is exactly that. Alone. Its time I moved outside the city and got a car. Then I won't be slave to the ridiculous metro schedules. It will probably make my commute to work longer, but its a small sacrifice I suppose. I'm not sure where to live though. I don't think driving into the city every day would be convenient, so I was thinking somewhere near a metro possibly in Maryland. If anyone knows DC really well, I'm open to suggestions. FYI I work in L'enfant Plaza in SW DC, and 2-3 times a week I have Culture Shock practice in Strathmore.

How should I change dance? Rule 1, don't get discouraged. These are only tests of faith. I was really disappointed in my performance at the JMU battle. I choked. I wasn't feeling the music, I wasn't feeling the battle. Next time I will be more ready. I think my next battle is in end of June, so that gives my crew and me 2 months to practice. We will do better! Rule 2, include God in dance.

Please keep me in your prayers, this is a really hard time in my life. But we have these hard times to make us a stronger person and so that we can learn from life.

Thanks
Especially to Kate and Exit for being there when I needed someone to talk to.